Better late than never, breaking the tiny threads that are holding it all together and ugly brown spiders.
I stumbled on this wonderful post idea that is the brainchild of Jennifer Fulwiler at Conversion Diary via one of my favorite bloggers Cristina T at Filling My Prayer Closet. When I read the idea it immediately peaked my interest and I wanted to participate. But the link-up was for 7 Quick Takes on Friday, it was already Saturday. Yet, amid the chaos of my weekend (see all of the below) the thought wouldn’t leave my mind that I should do this. Be forewarned, that yes I am going to use a terrible cliché now. Cover your eyes and ears if you must, because it's better late than never.
Work has been very hectic and trying for me. I am the coordinator of Children’s Formation at my parish. There have been many staff turnovers and lots of changes that I am adapting to while I deal with my unstable and chaotic home life. We have a brand new program at work that I am spearheading and developing to replace our traditional classroom model of faith formation for children not attending catholic schools and it is rooted in the family as the “Domestic Church.” I am excited about the changes and the opportunities that this presents. At the same time, I am building this from the ground up at our parish, and the amount of preparation is exhausting. The program seeks to have parents (or at least one parent) ) attend sessions with the child and to become more directly involved in the child's faith formation. The class schedule has been modified for us to meet only twice a month and on the weeks that we do not meet families will be provided resources to enable them to better take on the role of primary teachers of the faith, just as they promised when they brought their child to the waters of baptism:
“You have asked to have your child baptized. In doing so you are accepting the responsibility of training him (her) in the practice of the faith. It will be your duty to bring him (her) up to keep God's commandments as Christ taught us, by loving God and our neighbor. Do you clearly understand what you are undertaking” - text from the Rite of Baptism.
I pray that we can bring to fruition joyful followers of Christ with families and children that truly embrace and nurture that relationship guided by the beauty and truth found in our Catholic Faith.
Thursday night was a terrible night in our household. My son's stability has been perceptibly on the decline. I shared about my feelings of inadequacy as a parent in my post A Beautiful Tapestry of Inadequacies. When I say to you things were terrible, they were genuinely terrible. It has become more and more apparent that my child suffers from extreme anxiety and depression that causes him to explode and become destructive. After getting mad at something, he lost control and broke the television. After breaking the television, he morphed into a shear anxiety attack. He called me home from my errands and the remainder of the night was a blur of arguments, cries and pleas. The most terrible thing is how desensitized I have become to all of this. I have learned to not panic nor take much action when he says he is having a heart attack, or that he can’t breath, or that his vision is blurry, or that he can’t eat or is nauseous, or any other number of ailments that are part of an anxiety attack. I offer the trip to the hospital and then let him decide. Several hours later and we are still where we were when I first came home. Then, a small break-through. He indicates he might want to go to the hospital. After an hour or more of we are going to the hospital, then we are not, we are going, then we are not.. I give-up. By then it is sometime in the wee hours of morning and I just want to sleep a few hours to awaken to a new day.
Friday I went to work as usual, only to be there about two hours before the call came. I was to take my son to the ER to have tests ran. The symptoms he was describing to his doctor (blurry vision, memory lapses, lack of body control - which meant for my son “nervous shaking” ) warranted a trip to ER for a CAT scan. Four hours later and three other tests, all physical reasons were ruled out. Now we moved on to what I have been hoping for, some help and guidance for his untreated mental health issues. Another two hours later and after talking to someone from a local mental health facility, we had our post treatment recommendations. They are the same as they have been the other three times he has been to the hospital over the last several years. Intensive outpatient therapy. Remember, as noted in my other post, after the age of 16 a person has the right to refuse mental health treatment unless a harm to self or others (breaking TV’s, doors, punching holes in walls don’t seem to count) My son, the actor, agrees and nods in compliance to all that the young women tells him they recommend. We go home to battle number two and it is the biggest one of them all...
I am a terrible, horrible mother that does not care about her son and I am going to make him homeless. Thus says my son. I have had to make the tough decision that my son can no longer live with me if he refuses the treatment this time. It is now Sunday and we are still going back and forth. He is petrified. I understand that. And he keeps trying to find ways out of my ultimatum. He keeps asking for compromises. He has exploded, slammed things, cursed, yelled, pretty much called me every name in the book for letting my own son go “homeless.” The front door is broken from the slams. My coffee table ruined. He left for a bit saying he wasn't going to return, only to be with one of my best friends who calmed him down and tried to get him to agree he needs help so that he can move out on his own. The remainder of the weekend there are moments of calmness. Then he thinks about things and it triggers more panic attacks. He is now trying to figure out ways to get out of going. Or he states that he will go but that he will walk out and won’t cooperate. I keep saying the choice is his what he does when he is there, but he has to realize that by choosing to not take part in treatment that means he is choosing to not live with me. I am trying so hard to not break the tiny threads that are holding us together. I need your prayers. I really need your prayers.
I am a sucker for strays. I have six animals. Four cats and two dogs and all of them are a stray or a rescue animal. I tend to take human strays as well. We have yet another homeless friend of my son’s also temporarily staying with us. I guess I am a sucker for those down on their luck. I have allowed three other homeless "friends" of my son over the last two years. I always give them four stipulations before they can stay:
Our current "stray" (and I want to protect his name at this point) has secured employment within the first week and is currently working. He does help about 60% of the time when asked. He is also in the Military Reserves and does seem like he truly want's to get his life together. However, if my son is kicked out for not following through with his treatment, I will have to have this young man leave as well. I cannot keep my son's friend and kick out my own child.
I really need your prayers.
Today is Sunday. After a nice lunch out with my son and his friend , we came home to have my son's friend, the current “stray, ” work off some room and board by helping me to clean the porch in my backyard. I have a walk-out basement which means that the backyard has an upper and lower level. I don’t get down to the lower level porch that is under the deck very often. And it has become over-run by cobwebs and big ugly brown spiders. It turns out that this “buff” young military man is petrified of spiders. I don’t like them much myself. I put on my bravest "you don't scare me big ugly brown spiders" face and I go to work to set the example. I want you to know that we saw far too many spiders for my comfort and sanity level. I got out the hose and I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed to try to wash them away. A temporary fix that allowed us to clean and make the area look presentable. I didn't let the boy see, but more than once after we came in I have jumped and done a crazy doggy style body-shake to knock off what I keep thinking is crawling on me or in my hair.
I have already looked up the number for a pest control agency and I am on it first thing Monday morning.
Here's to a new week that is spider free and with renewed hope that we can conquer this illness.
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